Teens and Sex: When to start talking
Posted by: Sarah on: January 18, 2010
Not that you have missed the boat if you already have a teenager, and you haven’t really touched topics like sex and alcohol/drugs, but the boat is certainly on its way out to sea. I suggest you run to the dock and jump before it is really too far gone!
Every year younger and younger kids seem to be experimenting with sex. It has definitely reached 7th grade and it seems like 6th might not be far behind. Yikes!
Is this cause for panic? Maybe. Can we do any thing about the past? Nope. This being said start looking for opportunities every day to tackle the tough stuff. If a song comes on the radio with lyrics that make you go red in the face it is an opportunity to address the topic in an off hand way. You can say something like, “What do you think they are talking about in that song?” or “Does anyone at your school do that?” etc. Try to get them talking, and don’t make it directly about them.
Movies and TV also present a lot of great opportunities to talk about the tough stuff. Just remember that just because they have not asked or brought up the topic it does not mean they don’t know all about it. Unfortunatly if they say “ewww no way!” when you ask you are not in the clear.
Just keep letting them know that you are not afraid of the topic and you are there for them no matter what!
Remember that you are amazing and worth loving even if you are completely freaked out by the idea of talking about sex. Go give it your best shot over and over and over till the message gets through and the lines of communication open!
Talking to Little Kids About Sex: when sperm meets egg and other bed time stories
Posted by: Sarah on: October 26, 2009
Even though I am always saying to talk to young kids openly and honestly about sex, when my own four year old boy asked me, “how do the babies get into the mommy’s tummy”, I thought “oh my gosh” in my head and felt the blood drain from my body. I then took a really deep breath and tried to look calm as I told him that when a man’s sperm and a woman’s egg come together they create a baby.
I told him that a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina, and that it is in the uterus of the woman where the egg/sperm combo grows into a baby. He looked at me and said “OK” and went to play with toys. Later he asked some follow up questions that I answered just as honestly.
As scared as I was to give a 4 year old this information I realize that as he grows he will encounter things about sex and other topics that he does not understand. When he hears something he will compare it to what he already knows in his head. When it does not make sense with what he knows I hope that he will ask me.
I want him to remember that no subject is tabo for us and that I will always try to be honest. Kids know at a pretty early age when we are telling the truth. They learn early if we can handle the tough subjects or if we will change the subject to avoid them. They learn what we can handle and they protect us accordingly. Be brave and tell your kids the truth. The part they can handle will stick, and the rest will fall by the way side until they are ready.
Remember that you are amazing and worth loving no matter how freaked out you get at the thought of telling your little kids about how babies are formed!
Teens and Sex: virginity…to do it or not to do it that is the question?
Posted by: Sarah on: October 14, 2009
I get a lot of questions about sex from teens who are debating having sex for the first time. The age old conundrums still exists. Girls want their first time to be special, and boys tend to see it more as a right of passage. Deciding when to have sex is a very personal decision, and still there are some guidelines that might help.
You might be ready to have sex if you have found a partner who truly respects and values you. You have spent enough time together to really get to know one another (a least 6 months is usually helpful). You feel that even if you broke up after you could still be happy about your decision.
You might be ready to have sex if you know that not using birth control even just once can result in pregnancy. You know your birth control options and how to use them. You have had a GYN or primary care visit to make sure you do not have any medical issue that could interfere with sex. You know that oral herpes read: cold sores can transfer to genital areas and become genital herpes which never goes away and is very painful.
You might be ready to have sex if you can tell your parents that you are interested in sex before something goes wrong. Many teens don’t tell their parents they are sexually active until they think they might be pregnant or they might have an STI. Are you brave enough to talk to them before hand?
Teen girls: Know that this is a big deal and that if you do not chose carefully who you have sex with first and wait until you are really ready you may really regret it. Relationships end a lot in high school so if you are going to have sex thinking that you are going to marry this person be careful. Ask yourself if you will really be OK having had sex with him if he breaks up with you later.
Teen boys: Know that there are risks involved with sex. Use a condom to protect yourself from STIs and getting her pregnant. Make sure this is a person you feel safe with, and that you will feel OK if she does not give you the time of day later. Make sure you ask permission to keep yourself out of legal hot water.
Remember that no matter what decision you make you are amazing and worth loving, put some thought into this important decision, and remember not to hurry, no one should rush this important life changing decision.
Kids and Body Image: what you think of you matters
Posted by: Sarah on: October 7, 2009
It is a given that parents have a huge influence on how their children feel about their bodies. One of the biggest influences is how parents feel about themselves. What we say about ourselves has a big impact. You may feel like you look fat etc. but for the sake of your child try to find some positives to focus on.
Kids absorb everything! One of my sons has the hearing of a bat. I can whisper something in another room and hours later he is asking me about it. Think carefully about what they are soaking up.
This is not to say that we can’t be human. The more positive “stuff” we put out the more we can help to counter act the negative that is inevitable. Remember to light up the positives about yourself and your child so they can see them more easily. You are amazing and worth loving, show your child that you see it and they will see it too.
Sexting and Teens: you write it, it’s yours
Posted by: Sarah on: September 30, 2009
For some reason the teens I know keep writing things on impulse! Oh wait, that’s how the teen brain operates. We are in a scary new world of written communication. There are texts, and face book messages, and tweets, and all of them are out there for lots of people to see.
Unfortunately teens do not think about this before they go to type a message, and or post a naked picture of themselves. It seems like common sense to me that you do not threaten to beat up another kid on the wall of face book or text someone that you want to kill them, but apparently common sense does not rein any longer!
The most disturbing example is “sexting”. Teens write things to each other that are intimate and private. A lot of the time the things being written are also graphic, and scary to parents who happen to pick up their kids phones. It is bad enough to know that your kids are probably talking to the person they like/are dating in a sexual manner, it is another thing to come across a really gory detailed text message.
Teens: I know it is hard to stop the freight train of energy and passion that propels you forward into the heat of the moment text and/or face book message, but please try to remember that what you write will most likely be seen by way more people than you intended. It may result in fights with friends, break ups with girlfriends/boyfriends, parent(s) being really upset, colleges denying your application, jobs turning you down etc.
Be careful what you put on your phone and the internet. If you are not sure you would want your mom to know about what you are writing you might want to do it the old fashioned way and pick up a phone and actually call the person you want to talk to. Tell them what you have to say so that their is no paper trail. Beware of the paper trail!!!
Parents: Talk to you kids about what can happen with the information they put on the internet and through text. It is unrealistic to think they will not text, IM, and face book, and it will go a long way toward keeping them safe and happy the more you can explain how to enjoy media without getting into unintended trouble. Teens need to find a happy medium between letting it all hang out and hiding under a rock.
Remember that you are amazing and worth loving no matter what you texted last night, (try to stay out of trouble 
))!
Teens and Anal Sex: the new virginity
Posted by: Sarah on: September 22, 2009
OK, so apparently I got a lot of peoples attention with my last blog about oral sex. The stats were off the charts. I figured I would throw another controversial one at you. I got a question this week about anal sex and whether you are still a virgin if you have anal sex. Apparently teens are looking for creative ways to keep their “virginity”. Anal sex has become very popular among teens who do not want to give up their virginity.
Too bad anal sex is still sex! It carries all the same risks, and constitutes being sexually active just as vaginal sex would. It also carries other risks such as potential for increased risk of disease transmission.
Teens really need to think about why they are going down this path. Are they doing it for the label of virginity? Are they doing it to make someone else happy? What does it mean to them to be a virgin?
Teens need to understand that any type of sex carries risks. It is important for them to think through the decision and not to be caught off guard. Knowing how you feel about all the different types of sex ahead of time can keep you from doing things that you may or may not regret.
I spoke to a thirteen year old girl who told me that had she been aware of what “blow jobs” were when she was younger, (age 11) she would not have gotten herself into a situation that felt abusive to her later. I have heard the same said of anal sex.
Teens need to know the things that they will be faced with so they can make a choice based on forethought instead of impulse. Decisions about sex need to be taken seriously because they will have an impact on the rest of their life.
Remember that you are amazing and worth loving no matter what, consider your choices carefully!
Teens and Oral Sex: not just for movie theatres anymore
Posted by: Sarah on: September 19, 2009
There is an alarming trend when it comes to teens and oral sex. It seems to be happening at younger and younger ages and in more and more scary/creative places, like school buses and school bathrooms. Teens seem to flock to oral sex as an alternative to “real” sex that allows them to keep their “virginity”.
Teen girls feel that they need to make the person they are with “happy” and so they compromise and perform oral sex. This is a scary trend since they do not realize that oral sex IS sex. It carries all the same risks of disease transmission and most of the same emotional turmoil potential as “real” sex.
Teens need to be prepared for situations where oral sex may be involved. Know that if you go to the movies for a date it may turn into something more. Think about what you want ahead of time so you are not caught off guard. Never do something just because you want someone else to be happy if you are uncomfortable in any way. It’s OK to tell the person you are with that you would like to watch the movie.
Remember that sex of any kind is a big deal emotionally and try not to bite of more than you can chew! Remember that you are amazing and worth loving no matter what, and make sure that your amazing decisions are respected!
Let’s Talk About Sex
Posted by: Sarah on: September 16, 2009
There is a scary new survey that says parents are not even close to being a primary source of information about sex for their teens. Teens continue to wish that they could talk to their parents about sex, and the ball keeps getting dropped somewhere in between. What are we so afraid of?
Are we scared that talking about sex might make them want to have sex? News flash, their raging hormones already took care of that! The survey shows that teens are getting more and more information about sex from friends.
No offense teens, but the accuracy of information leaves a little bit to be desired at times. They also have very little life experience to draw from. Parents on the other had have a lot to draw from, and the teens are desperate to hear it, even though they would rather die than ask you.
What continues to scare teens is what their parents will think if they are even asking about the topic. They fear the disapointed puppy look they will get, and the 20 questions that might follow that look. They fear disappointing you.
Use any opportunity you get to show your teens that you can handle the subject of sex, and that you will love them, and be proud of them no matter what they ultimatly chose to do. Search your soul and decide if having them tell you the truth and rely on you is better than being in the dark pretending that “my teen would never have sex”!
Remember that no matter what you are amazing and worth loving, make sure your teen knows it too!
Teen Girls and Sex: Does Sex Equal Love?
Posted by: Sarah on: September 10, 2009
For teen girls there is an age old question: Does having sex mean love? Teen girls are searching for love, and many feel that having sex will lead to a “closer” relationship with their partner, and to “love”. I just wonder about the chicken, and egg logistics of this deal. Does it make sense to have sex hoping for love, or does it make more sense to have the love piece firmly in place before the sex piece.
What happened to “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (so and so) pushing a baby carriage”? Throughout the ages women have been hoping sex will get them love in return. Unfortunately I don’t think guys are set up that way. They can more easily separate sex from love. Having sex too quickly in search of love can give the guy the wrong message about what kind of relationship you want to have.
If you are looking for love and you want to protect your emotions it might make sense to find love before sex. In the end there are no guarantees about how a relationship will go. There is no emotional insurance to buy. Just think about how having sex, and then maybe not being loved in return will make you feel before you make the leap. Taking your time, and make sure a relationship has the love that you need before adding in emotionally risky sexual activity might just save you a lot of heart ache. Remember that no matter what choice you make you are amazing and worth loving, make sure the person you chose to be with makes you feel that way too!
Teen Girls and Friendship: Be All You Can Be
Posted by: Sarah on: September 3, 2009
Friendships are massively important for teen girls. The connections friends provide are vital to how they feel about themselves. Friendships mean a social connection, and a place to turn for support. They also mean a set of standards, whether good or bad, that teens try to live up to. The moral of the story is chose wisely!
This will sound cheesy, and yet teens will benefit from finding friends that make them want to “be all they can be.” A friend who brings out the best in you and challenges you to be better will have a huge impact on the way you live your life, and how happy you are doing it. It can be hard to cut out the people who don’t make the cut, but ultimately you become like the company you keep.
Realize the impact that friends have on your life, and put the time into the good ones. Someone who challenges you to be better will help you grow into your best self. Remember that you are amazing and worth loving, look for friends who let you know it is true at every turn!
